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  • Writer's pictureFrank Romans

You're A Mean One Mr. Vlad & Thank God You’re Not Irish

Gloom, despair, and agony on me.

Deep dark depression, excessive misery.

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Gloom, despair, and agony on me. - Buck Owens

That little ditty sums up my feelings about the whole Ukrainian situation. I'm feeling inadequate. The picture of Putin sitting at that ridiculously long table causes me feelings of inadequacy. I mean, what obscene thought is he trying to plant in everyone's head? Think about it. That little man and an enormous wooden table. I have wooden furniture too. Mine is nowhere near that long, and I wear a size fourteen shoe. Ok, a thirteen. It depends on the brand.

Anyway, Russia should just go ahead and surrender to Ukraine. Maybe Russia should join NATO. Wouldn't that piss off the Chinese? Zalensky can replace Putin and we'll all get on with our lives.

Oh, and by the way, what's up with Israel? They're supposed to be on our side??

Oh by the way, Happy Paddy's Day!

I've been celebrating St. Patrick's Day every weekend for the past two years. My wife says it is way longer than that.

The Irish people are so much fun. They’re a blast no matter the occasion. The only difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding is one less drunk. Hey, I'm just sayin'.

Spoiler Alert!

St. Patrick, may he rest in peace, was not Irish. It's true. Don't shoot the messenger. Yeah, it seems old Paddy (by the way, he did not drive the snakes out of Ireland. Sorry, not sorry) was born to Italian parents in jolly old England way back in the 4th century. He was in Ireland because Irish pirates kidnapped him into slavery. So, tuck that under your tweed cap as you enjoy that pint of Guinness. Salute!

Since we're on the subject of drinking, what is with the surge in bourbon drinkers? Full disclosure, I am a Kentucky native, but have lived in Pennsylvania for over thirty years. In Pennsylvania, our liquor must be purchased from our state-run stores. For a while now, whenever I go in to purchase my week's supply of bourbon (don't judge) they never have my favorite brands. Management tells me it has become trendy with younger generations, and these johnny-come-lately drinkers are the reason. Doesn't seniority mean anything anymore?

To get a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle you have to enter a lottery. Do you think there might be an opportunity for dishonesty? I don't know...but I've never won and always come up short.

By the way, nothing against short people. I'm only 5'11". I used to be 6' 1/2". My driver's license says 6'1". If I'm ever arrested again (once again, don't judge) I'm swearing it isn't me. At first, I thought there was something wrong with my car. I noticed the sun visor didn't work as well as it used to.

Putin is short. That's why he's mean. Everyone knows that short people are mean because they're closer to hell. Think about it. Look at history. Stalin was 5'5'', Hitler 5'7", Berlusconi 5'5", Medvedev 5'4", Napoleon 5'6". Bush, Clinton, and Obama are 6', 6'2", and 6'2". Churchill was 5'6" and Zelensky is 5'7" so there are some good short guys. Hey, no system is perfect.

Putin is 5'7" (possibly shorter and reportedly uses lifts) and Trump is 6'3". All of this proves beyond a doubt there is no correlation between height and intellectual abilities.

One interesting factoid has come to my attention, Russians are wild sexual partners. Two Russian couples decided to swap partners for the night and after three hours of amazing sex one of the guys says, "I wonder how the girls are doing?"

A final thought...Jesus may have been Irish. I mean, think about this. He lived at home until he was thirty. That's Irish, baby. It all makes sense. Before he died he went drinking with his pals. That's Irish, baby. And here's the clincher. His Mom thought he was God, and he thought his Mom was a virgin.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

And may God cradle all those who are suffering.

If you like this content and want to support my effort in a small way, you can buy me a cup of coffee at the link below.

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